The Diary Entries of Blaise Zabini
by LifeIsOrange
Summary: Blaise Zabini. A girl with thoughts on the world. The only problem? No one wants to hear them. Well, that is, except one person, or thing, I should say... Written before we knew Blaise is a boy and I love Boy!Blaise, but this fic's not changing.
1. My Life

Dear Diary,

I am troubled. I know it is very un-Slytherin to think about things like the things that are on my mind, but I shall anyways. I was asked this question by a very confused Hufflepuff, How do you make-up for disobedience, if you cannot trust yourself? I of course told them off for asking a Slytherin such an idiotic question, but it got a train of thoughts going.

I want to go to Italy, but so far I am not going anywhere. I have not been doing the things asked of me, and I haven't been keeping up with my school work. I don't know how to make myself want what Mother wants me to want, and what Mother, herself, wants. I want to be able to roam and be free, and be me. I think why Mother and I can't relate is, because she's a Capricorn and I am a Sagittarius (Yes, even if Trelawney IS a false Diviner, doesn't mean that I am). She likes to work. Well, that may be a little extreme, but she knows how to push herself to work. I will say I work 'cause I wanna, but I don't. So if there is the tinniest rock in my path, I feel I can go back. As much as I love having good marks, I feel my time can be spent on other things. Other things such as writing.          

Sometimes I wish I were more like Moon or Parkinson (she's very studious unlike what people think). I also think that Millicent is a bad influence on me. Personally, I was hoping I could move FAR away from this place, and be like the Blaise I was. The only part that sucks is the fact that I used to feel so lonely. For ALL of my short life I have been surrounded by people, but I would feel SO lonely when there was no one to talk to. That's why I talk to myself so often. It's the only way I can unload my problems to someone/thing that will react the way I want them to. I mean, a blank book can only do so much. 

Sometimes I wish there was somebody who had NOTHING to do with my life. That way I can talk to them, but not have it affect my dilemma, or having them be biased the way most people in this castle are. 

At times, I wonder how I was even happy being Bookworm-Blaise. But then I realize that when I was Bookworm-Blaise, life was so much easier to deal with. I did my work, turned it in, smiled a lot, and brought home the marks. Maybe a ton of adults wish they were my age, because "life was so much easier", but they don't realize that it really isn't. 

I'm ashamed of having Millicent as a friend. I know you shouldn't be angry at people, because of the way they are, but I AM. That's why I wish Tricia were here. I've been to her house (and it was clean), she kept up with her fashions AND her schoolwork, her parents were nice and I've actually seen BOTH of the, she was cultured (not ill-mannered and graceless), and she was one of my close friends. I also wasn't ashamed of her weight. Yes, I am embarrassed, because of Millicent's weight. I know you're not supposed to be, but I am. She says she has something wrong with the way her body reacts to food. She says she can gain weight REALLY fast, but she can also LOSE weight really fast. I think that's an excuse. If she CAN lose weight really fast, why hasn't she? I've seen pictures from her Primary School years (before Hogwarts), and she was large THEN. I feel that people who are fat don't feed THEMSELVES properly, or they weren't fed properly by other people. 

The reason why I haven't said anything is, because I would feel like SUCH a HORRIBLE person to say these things. Sometimes I want to move; because I don't want to be friends with the "bestfriend" I've chosen, but I can't choose another one because that all happened (or was supposed to) in first year. Sometimes I wonder why I feel alone, and I think of all the people I'm surrounded by…

Mother- she's not understanding me right now

Stepfather- I feel his title is as fitting as "the very strong weakling"

Father- won't GET IT he's been too removed from my life

Cho- another won't GET IT reason: in her own little world

Milli- trying to be removed

Mandy- not close enough

Kamikaze- a cat can be a GREAT companion, if you never have a single thought provoking conversation

Brother- a big NO

Great Aunt Gwendolyn- might as well be McGonagall

Cousin Elliot- always wanted a BIG brother, but it didn't work out

Great Uncle Offie- doesn't have the right personality

Dumbledore- all my short life the school has had SOME sort of negative impact

I have just run out of people. I wish I had a pensive. That way, I could put ALL of my thoughts into it. I'm tired. I wish I had a little dimension where I could disappear between the seconds on Earth.

I realize that most of these thoughts are VERY un-Slytherin, so I would appreciate it if you kept them to yourself. Whoever you are, reading this, for I know that some little sneak is going to read my diary. I AM in Slytherin, after all.

Truthfully,

Blaise Zabini


	2. Here Again

Dear Diary,  
  
Hi again. I'm depressed once more. I think that is what I am going to use you for, ranting about all of my problems. I was on the IMQ (Instant Message Quill. You have to buy them in a set, so whenever you write with one, the others write the same thing.) trying to cheer Millie up. (she had to repeat Transfig.3) It was her, Mandy, and me; and we were talking about people who talk about you behind your back. Mandy starts talking about how people have the decency to talk about me behind my back. She said that a lot of people do not like me and my "stupid comment self". (She did not say, "stupid comment self", I could read through the lines) She then said she had to go do a 120 centimeter essay, and left. I told Millie that I thought that Mandy did not like me as much as she liked Millie, and Mill agreed. (a mild slap in the face.) I got off the IMQ with Millie because she had to go. 

It made me feel like I have no reason to stay in this stupid school. I think that because I feel like I will not find any good quality friends, I should move on to the next best thing, quantity. I think deep down (maybe not _that deep) no one really liked me. I chose the worst friends, and now I'm paying for it. My reasoning was that if I found friends from outcasts, they would prove to be the best type, because they weren't the same as most mindless drones. I didn't think I thought I would be labeled "OUTCAST (sorta)". Now I feel horrible, because all of my "friends" are jokes. _

I wonder why I care so much about having friends. Isn't there some way to fix me, because there's something, obviously, wrong. Isn't there _someone_ who can fix me? I wish there was. I want… I actually don't know what I want. Well, I know what I want, but most of its not possible. I want to talk to my Mother, and then Memory Charm her, so I can get some "wisdom" out of her without her thinking something is wrong.

I just might… 

Yours truly,   
Blaise Zabini


	3. Knutt for your Thought

Dear Diary,  
  
I tried to drown in my books. There weren't enough. Before that I slept for a while. The sleep made me feel better. I'm going to die tomorrow. I don't want a friend like Millie. She has too many serious problems that I just can't deal with. I'm an underage witch, for crying out loud! It bothers me. I wanted a friend that I could have intelligent conversations with, help them when they get emotional (PMS week), and things like that. 

I miss Tricia _so_ much. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if she had stayed in England. We would probably sit in the same compartments on the train, be in the same Arithmancy class, Potions, maybe Divination, she'd probably want to see what that's about. Mother would allow me over to her manor. I could go there if my parents were out of town. We would go places on vacations and things like that. I wonder if she's grown… there was a point when we wore the same clothes size. I'm going to see if she's on the IMQ.  
  
Sincerely yours,  
Blaise Zabini

PS- That memory charm thing with my Mother… it didn't work out


	4. Boys!

Dear Diary,  
  
I know, I know. This is starting to get pathetic, but this is what you're here for, right? At the beginning of the year I was a bit better than I am now. The thing is, is that after Morag MacDougal & Justin Finch-Fletchley tried to get me to go out with them (at different times, I turned them both down) I realized how powerful I really am. I have suspicions, you see. I think that Millie, Francis, Morag, Justin, Seth, Josh, and Kendall have crushes on me. I know Seth does (I'll spill more, later), and I know Millie does. Yes, Millie _is_ a girl. Did I ever tell you that I'm bi-sexual? No? Well now you know. Josh and Kendall are the ones I'm least sure about. A lot of the time, I joke around with Josh or Seth, and call them sexy or something like that.   
  
So I was talking to Seth on IMQ, and he said that he had four dates planned out with a girlfriend he didn't even have. (we were talking about new Zonko products) I tried to get him to spill about this mysterious, non-existent girlfriend, but he wouldn't, so lucky for me Mill comes on, and gets it out of him. Now, being the slow person I am, after Mill said "I can't tell you, Seth would kill me." I didn't get it until she said "You. He likes you." I was shocked, and told Mill, saying it sucked, and stuff like that. She then snaps at me, saying that I sound like a total bitch saying shit like "Poor me. Too many guys like me, and I don't want them." I then yelled at her for her stupidity, because she forgot that I don't want to go out with a guy! Now she's probably pissed at me because two of the guys (Morag and Seth) she's liked have liked me, and _she had/has to make up stories about all of her __"boyfriends" in other countries. ARGH! SHE'S SO PATHETIC!   
  
The thing is, I like the game of seduction. I go after Morag because he's got a girlfriend. Francis is some hot guy who seems interested. Josh is a bit different because he's the type of guy, who given a couple of years, will turn into a hunk of eye candy, the fact that he flirts back helps, too! Can you say "Fun!"? I play with Seth because I know he's _constantly_ horny, so what kind of girl _wouldn't_ have fun?   
  
Mill's gotten on my nerves again. She's started wearing this cheap eyeliner, which by the end of the day, makes her look like she has two _beautiful_ black eyes! She thinks she's sexy, and she has an f***ing crush on MANDY! The other thing is, she can't say that guys don't like her, because she's… large. Her hair ALWAYS looks like shit, her breathe stinks, her clothes don't fit properly, her nails aren't even clean, and she has this fake, "I don't give a f~~~" personality that's infuriating. Do you know WHY it's infuriating? Because she soaks in every single piece of crap thrown her way. Mandy was trying to be close friends with Mill, but it turned out wrong, because Millie and her family are so screwed up. Her father is jobless, her mother gets drunk on a regular basis, and her younger brother is just as poorly groomed as she is (Durmstrang). Quite frankly, she disgusts me.  
  
Did I tell you? I'm moving! New school and everything! I hope the boys I've been toying with, don't miss me too much! I think I'm going to have a party, inviting my new and old friends. Probably a pool party. Hey… I just realized something… many of my friends aren't compatible… This is going to be one heck of a party… I almost forgot Morgan! Yes, he is a guy. I don't work on him, because he's gay. Big surprise (odd name, no?), I know, but he's the __coolest and most loyal friend, you could ever have. Now get this, he isn't air-headedly loyal, like, "If you jump off a cliff, I'll jump after you!" but he's cool all the same! Even a bit on the sadistic side…  
  
Love,  
Blaise Zabini_


End file.
